I was up all night with growing pains. With the big fat full moon out my window I couldn’t sleep. These weren’t the growing pains of my childhood, the physical discomfort of longer legs. I’m talking about the all consuming ache of evolution.
Life wants me to expand and staying the same has become very uncomfortable. It wants me to stretch out forward into who I am becoming instead of looking back to where I have been. I have come to know that this is where the pain of life comes from. This explosion of understanding first came to me when my son died.
A baby died and I had a choice to make, I could either stay inside the immense pain or reach for a new awareness. The death of that boy forced me to look beyond my physical existence into something more. I needed to find my son somewhere and I went searching everywhere and I found him. I found him in places that can’t be touched with words, where the light is so full and the beauty makes you cry. He is still there.
I never would have travelled to these places if it weren’t for his death. I will forever hold gratitude for the gift that he gave me. My life has never been the same. I can never again pretend that the darkness has power because I know that it is a lie. There is a lot of light and much of it can be found in the most painful of places – we just need to be brave enough to go. To trust.
I know. I had to stretch to get there. I had to open my mind. I had to let in more light than I was used to. I had to move past the physical world where death is sad and embrace the truth. The truth that there is an awesome mystery that surrounds us – one that cannot be seen by the naked eye or measured by the limits of science. It is real. I touched it. But I had to be willing to look beyond where I stood. I had to lean into the pain and it broke – it disintegrated under the weight of my spirit.
Life has brought me again to a point where I am being called to expand. I hear the not so quiet whisper every night while I try to sleep. “Open your eyes. Open your arms. Stretch. Grow. Don’t stay small. Move. Expand. Evolve.” This is it man. This is the magic of life right here. Oh I know, it can seem really really dark sometimes but it is just because we have our eyes squeezed so tightly shut. Relax and open them, I promise you – you will like what you see.
Sometimes life causes us to want something in a big way. Do you know what I am talking about? We experience pain, discomfort and from that a desire grows. Health, strength, more money, true love, peace …
When I was diagnosed with Lupus my desire to be healthy became a fire. There was a period of time where I couldn’t feel my legs and I could barely move my body. I walked away from complacency and into passion. Thank God, because where I was weak I became strong.
I teach meditation to people experiencing Cancer. One thing I observe in these people is a lust for life and a fire in their belly. Many of them speak about the transformative power of Cancer, how it has forced them to find a new way to live – a better way.
We can ride the middle line and live a quiet, safe life, but I will speak for myself when I say that I have immense gratitude for the things that have caused me to look for something more.
Evolution is inevitable, the trick is to keep up with it. Trust me, the light is there – we just have to open our eyes.